Have you ever heard some really bad news and all of a sudden your mind starts racing... everything seems to be magnified... it seems as though words just seem to bounce off of every corner of your mind and they echo as they stream past... That was exactly the scene on November 11, 2009.
It was dark and cold outside the perfect setting for the news we were about to receive! The phone rang and it was my mother-in-law... Through her tears we heard the words.. "It's cancer, Lynn has cancer!" As the moment seemed to stop... the world would freeze for us all... time stood still as we all simply stood there in unbelief! Not Lynn, not cancer I thought...This is the strongest man I know... Cancer? Really? It was shocking and heartbreaking...
Yes, the signs were there... over the last 6-9 months we had watched him deteriorate... losing weight...growing more short of breath bay the day... We knew the news was right... our hearts just couldn't accept it.
The following day I went to see Lynn.... For 16 years this man was my father... He was a man of strength, honor, charity, hope... He was a strong foundation for our family... He was a rock for us all... evermore making everything okay all the time... As I sat on the arm of his recliner that day and looked into his eyes.. He said, "Erica, it's bad news..." As tears filled my eyes I said, "Yep, I know..." He grabbed my arm and said, "Don't cry for me... I am at peace with this... I have lived a good long life... I have peace!" This was just like him... in the midst of his storm he was thinking about me...about us...!
The next two months were so devastating watching this pillar of strength dwindle down to skin and bones...unable to stand on his own... unable to care for his family the way he always had... All the while he was evermore proclaiming he was "At peace".
In Jan of 2010, we hospitalized him as his lungs filled with fluid and his breathing became more labored... He insisted he wasn't going to die at home... He didn't want there to be any negative associations with his death and home.... (still thinking of us...). When he left the house that morning he knew he would not be coming back... as he made the statement, "Well, this is the last time I will be leaving this house..." When I made it to the hospital he looked at me with such sternness and said, "I am ready to go now... Tell Joe Ed to go throw a brick out and mark a spot to bury me..." As his breathing became more labored and tons of family and friends gathered to pay their respects to this incredibly great man... we watched him struggle to acknowledge each one... Finally, the need for sedation came as he was simply starving for air... The week pasted and in a brief moments of lucidness he made comments to us...giving us orders to carry out. He said to an aunt, "Make sure my grandkids are saved..." That was one of the very last things he spoke...
I wasn't there the morning he drew his last breath... the moment he went home to be the Lord.... But when I arrived at the hospital... there was peace in knowing that he was now breathing the purity of the heavenly air... no more stuggles... The air of God... of Heaven was now filling his lungs... He was safe and sound now and we were left with a great void of a man that lived his life for others... always thinking of someone else... What a legacy he left for us all...
As we returned home and were greeted by so many members of the community...family... friends... His absence just seem to echo through our hearts...and his home...his chair was now empty! Loudness took over... the LOUDNESS of cancer seemed to ECHO.... I just wanted quietness... I wanted so badly for peace to reign in our minds again... but it seemed as though cancer would just march throughout our head...our hearts... resonating through us all...
I had never associated a sound with death or a disease before this...However as I think back to my days working in critical care as a nurse I am reminded of the sounds of death... As I have watched many people received the news of a loved one's life being cut short...the sounds of hopelessness... sadness...grief.... become tangible...not being limited at all by space and time...This time; however, death and disease are so personal... LOUDNESS was the only way I could describe what was happening!
I sit and ponder this now as old wounds, wounds I thought had healed are resurfacing as we have received word that Lynn's(my father-in-law) best friend has been diagnosed with cancer. The loudness comes marching in again... Yes, loudness is the perfect definition for disease and death..... As thoughts race through our minds again...Quietness, being the antonym for Loudness is certainly not present! And as we struggled to readjust our lives a year ago...we found peace in having a bit of Lynn in his best friend...But that struggle was certainly not done in quietness.. as the following days, weeks, months... tears would flow even bouts of anger would emerge as the death and grieving process matured... I am realizing that we can not find our peace in anything in this world.. as God being Sovereign is a jealous God and will share His glory with no one!
I am understanding with such deep revelations of the promises of peace and quiet that the Lord so graciously gives. Loudness accompanies the prince of this world... one who comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10)...As he ravishes the lives of those he victimizes... quietness and peace flees and the loudness of heartache and sorrow take over...leaving wounded hearts and wounded souls! But how beautiful are the promise from the God as He sent His son the Prince of Peace..to restore, replenish and rebuild what the enemy destroys and the wounds he inflicts.
Isaiah 9:6
"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulders: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."
John 14:27.
" Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
Isaiah 49:6
"And he said, It is a light thing that thou shouldest be my servant to rise up the tribes of Jacob, and to restore the persevered of Isreal: I will also give thee for a light to the Gentiles; that thy mayest by my salvation unto the end of the earth."
Jeremiah 30:17
"For I will restore health unto thy wounds, saith the LORD..."
Now as God ushers in his peace and heals the wounds... The realism of these words His promises come to life... as the Most High God certainly reaches down from on high and exchanges beauty for ashes, oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness... He promises this so that through out trials and tribulations...through our walks through the shadows of death...the valleys of this life...we are made into trees of righteousness...planted firmly along the narrow pathway that leads us to him... To bring him Glory! May we through our walks surrender diligently to the Prince of Peace... the Great Counselor... The Most High who is able to do exceedingly great and above all we hope and imagine...working all things together for our good! My peace I give to you!
Isaiah 61: 3
" To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord that He might be glorified."
Luke 1: 78-79
"Through the tender mercy of our God; where by the dayspring from on high hath visited us, to give light to them that sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet unto the way of peace."
Job 12: 22-23
"He discovereth the deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death. He increaseth the nations, and destroyth them: he enlarged the nations, and straightened them again."
Romans 8:28
" And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to his purpose."
Dear Father,
I pray asking for soul healing... I surrender to you the Prince of Peace... The Most High... to take the wounds of my soul... and the souls of my family... take them and heal them now... cover them with the blood of your Son, Jesus Christ...bring about peace and greatness from these wounds...May I be a tree of righteousness for your glory... May your light shine through me...and warm those around me... Father I praise you for your works are wonderful and your love endures forever... IN JESUS NAME~AMEN.
